Hotspot Doc
Hi Guys today I am going to show one of my writhing on my doc called the hotspot doc. Where I can writhe story's on what I like to and facts. I have made a story the at I would like to share with you guys. I am main charter in the story. I would like some feedback on my writhing. I will be waiting for your feedback. Here is my story:
At my job, I have one task. Everyday I go in, sit at my disk, and wait for a red light to turn on. When it does, I push a button. I repeat this process until the end of my shift. One day, I find out what the button does. That day I felt so interested about what happened to the poor people …..
RING RING RING my alarm wakes me up which makes my morning very angry and tiring. At least it was dream. I got out of bed almost falling to the ground. I was walking to the kitchen, well, my walk was like I just injured my leg in a car crash. When I finally made it to the kitchen. My phone starts to ring. Guess where my phone was, in the room. Great I had to run all the way to my room and pick up the phone. “ Hello, yes Risha?” Says my boss.
“ Hi boss” I said in a tried video.
“ There has been a big crime scene and we need your help please come quick meet me at the police station.”
“ Don’t worry boss I’m coming. But what happened?”
“ There is no time for that just come.”
“ Ok I’m coming” I Say.
Thanks for sharing your writing with us. The thing that really stands out for me with these two pieces of writing is the interesting way you start your narratives. They both start in very different ways and really grab my attention and make me want to carry on reading. I like the way you have used speak in your writing too. It is great that you know to start each new piece of speech on a new line. Next time try to remember to add a comma between when the person finishes talking and before the end of the speech marks and before you add something about who has been speaking. For example, "Hi boss," I said in tried video. You don't need to worry about adding the comma if you have a full stop and you have finished your sentence. I can see one more place that you would need to add a comma before closing with a speak mark. I wonder if you can find it? I hope you are having a great holiday and I look forward to seeing you on Monday.
ReplyDeleteHi Mrs Mclachlan thank you for commenting on my blog and giving me a lot of feedback. Sadly I was not sure where I have to put a comma. I think it should go after " Ok I'm coming," I say. Do you think I should add some more about my dream to hock them in more? Another question what job do you think the charterer is do in the storey. BYE!!!
DeleteHi Risha. I found your story very interesting however there were a few misspelt words. It would be a good practise to always go back and read your story couple of times to pick up on mistakes you may have made.
ReplyDelete